The journal of Jayson Hawkins
29 November 2006
Another lovely day in Gatesville. Hoped to meet Bo Lozoff tonight, but he cancelled again. Of course no one bothered to announce that the schedule had changed, so those of us who went to the chapel expecting a yoga class were greeted instead by some sort of X-ian revival jamboree. Not exactly my cup of tea, so I burned off and let some other guys still coming in know that Bo didn't make it. A couple of the X-ians seemed upset that potential sheep were leaving, but it's not our fault that we'd come there expecting something far different than a church service. To be honest (which is kind of the point of a journal, isn't it?) I feel a deep sense of revulsion at church services, especially evangelical hand-clappin', hallelujah-shoutin', speaking-in-tongues-type affairs. A lot of that is because I went through a fanatical X-ian phase for a couple years during what was the absolute worst period of my life. People turn to "God" when they don't want to take responsibility for their own actions and hope that a 2,000 year old corpse will somehow "save" them from the consequences. I'm ashamed that I reached a depth of such mental and emotional weakness that I actually believed all that crap. Anyway, I suppose I harbor so much animosity towards X-ianity because to me it symbolizes a loss of faith in myself. That's one mistake I'll never make again.
30 November 2006
Been an interesting day. Made store this morning, then got moved to the dorms this afternoon. It's a big change after living in a cell for the past five years. Instead of sharing a small enclosed space with one other person, you're sharing a wide open space with 110 others. Privacy is out the window, but you do have freedom to move around without being trapped in a cage. It's a trade-off, but I've yet to decide if I got the better or worse end of it. So far I feel very unsettled and out of place, but that may change with time. After being moved around so much this year I'm ready to stay in one place for a while. Well, at least until I transfer down south next year for the Master's program.
1 December 2006
Day went by quick. Worked out this morning, then was able to walk and talk (at the same time even!) with Cranius Maximus for a couple hours. Spending time with my kindred was the reason I moved out here and is also what will make the change worth it. Those guys inspire me with their intelligence and drive to get things done. Oh yea, almost forgot I turned 31 today. Not really cause for a celebration (much like the last 10 I've spent in here), but I did receive cards from my parents, Grandma, Jennifer S., and, of course, Christy. She also sent me a book and came to visit last weekend, which means she had about a five hour round-trip drive just to spend a couple hours with me. She's been so good to me for so long, truly the light in my life. No one could hope for a truer friend. Imagine she'll be engaged next year and married not long after that, and the prospect of losing her presence in my life is scary. More than anything though I want her to be happy, and I think she will be with Mike. Haven't actually met him yet, but what I've heard from Christy and Jax leads me to believe he's a quality individual. Kind off looking forward to Christy bringing him up here so I can test him out, and likewise he can get an idea of where my head's at. Should be interesting.
3 December 2006
Met with the fellas this morning and discussed part of the Havamal. It was a good mix of Heathens - some neophytes as well as a few old vets, the rest of us somewhere in between. This afternoon I kicked it with Sparkplug for a while and tried to knock out this Joseph Campbell book, The Inner Reaches of Outer Space. Seems to have a couple worthy ideas in it, but mostly he seems to have an infatuation with Eastern philosophy and advancing the universalist agenda, which I think his spiritual and academic guru Jung would greatly resent. While Jung deeply studied the Eastern paths and had great respect for them, he understood the importance of Volkergedanken (folk ideas) and that the psyche of Western man has fundamental differences that are incompatible with a fully Eastern Weltanschuung (world view) Also read Rolling Stone this evening, which at times really infuriates me, but the articles are usually well-written. This issue focused on "Borat", which I'm reserving judgment on until I can actually see it, and a heart-breaking story about a kid who was physically and sexually abused his whole life and is now doing life without Parole in Colorado. Yet another miscarriage of justice, yet the American apathetics don't notice or don't care, even if one of the two million plus incarcerated in this country are their own flesh and blood. What will be the breaking point in a system that's already falling apart?
4 December 2006
Received some leftover Birthday cards tonight from my sister, Grandpa Bob, and Leslie. Les also included a short letter, which is nice because I was about to write and cuss her out anyway. No particular reason for it, just 'cuz. We started dating over 15 years ago (Damn, has it been that long?) and have put each other through so much shit since then that there really aren't any social taboos between us. Really, anyone who's endured me for that long deserves a medal, or at least some free psychiatric treatment. =) I've changed a lot since met Leslie, but I imagine most people do over 15 years. Definitely calmed down a lot and become more conservative with age, although in some ways I'm more extreme than ever. I'm also very tired and need to wrap this up before rambling off on a tangent.
6 December 2006
Been an OK day. Worked out with Sparkplug this morning, pulled my shift in the factory this afternoon, and got some of my projects a little closer to completion this evening. Need to stop getting involved with so many different things until I actually complete a couple that I've started. Problem is that most of them have no visible end in sight. At least I'm not short on shit to do! Part of prison life is carving out a niche for yourself, finding something that adds purpose to your life. Most of the guys I associate with have developed at least one area of specialized knowledge: history, foreign languages, quantum physics, law, religion, evolution, etc. It's kind of cool knowing that if you have a question on some off-the-wall subject, there's usually somebody nearby who can answer it. Have to admit I feel half-assed useful when I'm able to provide someone with an answer although my knowledge base isn't nearly as academic as several of my buddies. I'm better at pop culture, music, puzzles, psychedelics, and pretty much anything occult-oriented. Always been fascinated with things outside of (or counter to ) the mainstream.
14 December 2006
Had a bit of synchronicity today. Last night I was writing to Christy about the value of human life and how it varies according to culture, era, economy, etc. Anyway, at lunch today a guy fell out in the chow hall, apparently had a heart attack. Heard him go down because his head hit one of the metal stools. The guard immediately called for medical help, and they showed up surprisingly fast. However, in the intervening minute or so I hear someone say he didn't have a pulse and wasn't breathing. Another inmate began to perform CPR and gave him mouth-to-mouth, which may or may not have been critical in saving this man's life. I've since heard he's recovering at the county hospital, which is surprising because the situation looked pretty bleak. Either way, it's kept me thinking all day. As it happened the guy who fell out was black, and the inmate who helped him was white. Ideally one would hope race wasn't a primary factor of consideration when a life is at stake, but this is prison - everything revolves around race. But there were other factors at play here as well. While the guard did his job by calling for help, he wasn't about to give an inmate mouth-to-mouth. Would he have if it had been another guard (graysuit) rather than someone wearing white? Maybe, maybe not. Still other factors come into play: Age? Do I know this person? Could he have a communicable disease? What's he in prison for? Perhaps anyone who considers these kind of questions would not have acted. At the end of the day the only conclusion I've reached is that I wish I knew CPR.
20 December 2006
Where's the time go? When I started this journal I fully intended to make at least a short entry every day, or maybe every other day. Shaping up to where I might make a couple longer entries a week when there's something I want to reflect on. Tonight's Mother's Night, the start of the traditional "12 days of X-mas" and thus our Yule celebration. This will be the third year since I suggested we do 3 blotar through out the course of the Yule-tide (roughly December 20 - January 1st), it seems to have worked out well. Coincidentally, tonight was also Thorsteins B-day, and he led the blot. He passed the horn for two rounds - the first we all hailed Frigga, the All Mother, and the second we hailed personal mother-figures in our lives. That's not something most of us are used to talking about in a group setting, as a man's bond with his mom tends to be an emotional subject. I started out by hailing Christy, which was easy because she's been a single mom for five years now and is doing a fantastic job of it. Then I hailed my own mom, which is when I got a bit choked up. Our relationship is hard for me to talk auto. I'm very fortunate to have had the parents that I do. They've always been very loving. The problem is that we're almost nothing alike, which tends to cause a lot of strife. While I never doubted their love for me, they haven't liked me as a person since... well ever since I passed through puberty and developed an individual identity. For a kid, your parents are your image of "God", and what does it say when "God" doesn't like you? Kind of puts you at odds with the world. Anyway my life has been (or was) a struggle between wanting to make my parents happy and wanting to make myself happy, which were two things almost always in direct opposition to each other. I kept trying to satisfy both, to "serve two masters", but never managed to balance them, as a victory for one was inevitably a defeat for the other. Things are different now as I've gotten older and my goals and dreams have changed, but my mom still fears me as the 18 year old unholy terror that I was so long ago. It's hard to change that perception in a two hour visit every other month.
23 December 2006
Winter hasn't seemed to have settled in yet, as it's a sunny and warm Texas day. Not that I'm mad about that. I like snow, but generally only if I can some use of it, particularly skiing. Probably been a dozen years since I last hit the slopes, but I still dream of it occasionally. Think my subconscious associates skiing with freedom, as it's the closest I've ever come to flying (outside of being on a plane). My favorite was always "catching air," either jumping moguls or skiing off small cliffs. That's primarily what I dream of - launching off a jump and soaring incredible distances, my feet never touching the earth, my body freed from gravity and these prison walls. It's good to dream.
26 December 2006
Survived another Christmas. Actually, I enjoyed it. Most folks around here are depressed or otherwise emotionally put-out by being away from their families during the holidays, but I don't miss the stress at all. It may sound bad, but Christmas in prison is a relief. There's no pressure, you get a decent meal, and then you can relax for a day or two. Granted, the rest of the year sucks, but Christmas is one day I don't mind spending in here.
2 January 2007
Well, holidays are over and it's time to get down to the business of another year. Led the 12th Night (December 31st) blot the other night, and after we passed the horn to hail Frey I asked everyone to say what their goals were for the coming year. It amazes me how therapeutic it is when we go around the circle like that and everyone has a chance to speak whatever's on their mind and in their heart. It builds a real feeling of community, something which is sorely lacking in this environment. Anyway, my goals for this cycle are to get started in the Master's program and to complete a whole book of "Rune Squares" (Sudoku). Hopefully if I can get that published it will be a way to fund some other projects at Woden's Folk Press that need to get rolling. Should be an interesting year.
6 January 2007
Started back to work in the factory. Thought we'd be busy as Hell, but it wasn't bad. Now that it's gotten colder the material for the jackets we make is jumping with static electricity, so naturally we've been getting charged up with electrons and zapping the shit out of each other. Reminds me of when my sister and I used to do the same thing by dragging our feet across the carpet. Then would try to get each other. Anyway, we'll probably work a couple weeks and then be off for a little while which is great. Since we don't get paid, time off is the only motivating factor I have to try and get things done.
7 January 2007
Spent some quality time with Thorstein today, which always makes for fascinating conversation. Actually, "conversation" isn't an accurate term since it's mostly him talking and me listening. That may sound like an annoying or bad thing, which is most cases it is, but he's so knowledgeable and interesting to listen to that you just hope he keeps on talking. The key difference I believe is that most people have very little of substance to talk about that can't be said in a couple minutes. I'm probably one of those people, but I'm able to keep my mouth shut enough that others assume I know what's going on, and that generally passes as intelligence.